AA The Beginners Guide: Am I an Alcoholic?

Are you an alcoholic? Probably not.

This is an incredibly difficult and loaded question. But if you're still with me, I will do what I can to help answer that question and tell you how and why I did. I see absolutely nothing wrong with alcohol. Drinking is fun. Getting drunk is fun. A drink can ease the pains of a stressful day or the jitters of a first date. If you are like most people, you can have a few drinks and then continue on with life. You can get drunk, if you want to, not because you have to. You probably don't black out for extended periods of time on a regular basis. Enjoying alcohol does not make you an alcoholic.

So, what does? You can do some internet searching and take a standardized questionnaire to find the answer. I find those things useless. If you are already asking yourself these types of questions, you know all the right answers to the test. I was never an alcoholic because I didn't drink everyday. Because I didn't wake up with the urge to drink. I never bottomed out and ended up on the streets. I kept a respectable social life, a job, and occasionally even had meaningful relationships with women. The real question, which you won't find on any standardized psychological test is this:

What happens when I drink?

It's the only question you really need to answer. Who cares how often, how much, alone, with others, and so on. The only thing that matters is the end result. Can you enjoy a few drinks and move on with life peacefully, or does it consistently lead to more drinking and chaos? If you drink once a month and end up in jail every time, you have a problem. My life had been heading toward chaos and doom for quite some time. Lucky for me, that path was illuminated early in my life. I saw what lay at the end if I kept up the drinking lifestyle and had experienced too much pain already. I don't want the pain and the only way for me to avoid certain doom and misery is to not drink at all. Most people can keep drinking and not have problems. When your alcoholic friends start getting concerned about your level of drunkenness and how you act, be concerned, very concerned.

For me, I'm either drinking or I'm not. However, there is and was one major exception. One need and desire even more powerful than my drinking, the need for love. If I was in a relationship, I could curb my drinking without much pain. But only in the confines of the relationship and being with that person. Anything outside of it and I was up to my usual habits. The dual life could only go on for so long before my drinking problem would eventually become evident to my partner. Ultimately, the drinking would be one of if not the most destructive factor in ruining any love I ever shared.

In the end, no one can tell you that you are an alcoholic. Only you can know. For me, I know beyond a doubt that to live the life I want, I had to have the courage to not drink ever again. Does that make me an alcoholic? Probably, but that's just fine by me.

AA The Beginners Guide: The people of

That guy has probably been to a meeting or two. But so has this guy on the right. That's a rather douchey photo of me taken during a lengthy New Year's day long blackout. My point being, I'm not that much different than the homeless bearded man. Booze is the great equalizer.

To begin, let me put in my disclaimer that I've only attended groups in my locale. So any generalizations I make, keep that it mind. I do however believe that just like alcoholism itself, the types of people you are likely to experience in meetings also transcends time, place, and culture. Only the faces and accents vary.

Let me tell you a funny backstory about my first experience with AA. It was actually quite some time ago, long before I had any realization that I might one day (perhaps was already) be an alcoholic or have a problem with drinking in anyway. I was a freshman in college and really fine tuning my drinking skills. The college experience and drinking is a chapter of its own, so we will leave it at that until another day. A friend of mine was pulled over, blew a .08 (the legal limit) but was underage. He took some sort of plea deal and part of his bargain was that he had to attend 10 AA meetings. My friend, being of "enterprising" character, decided to delegate his attendance to these meetings to a trusted friend. He also had the bankroll to pay me handsomely for my time. You may ask, if he was legally obligated to be there, how could you attend for him? Well the answer is in the name, Alcoholics (wait for it) Anonymous. No one has to prove who they are, there is no formal governing body to meetings. In fact the people who sign off on the court documents are under no obligation to sign their real name. There is no official record to tie an individual to any meeting. Looking back on it, I could have skipped all the meetings and signed my initials to all 10 meeting entries.

I however was excited and saw this as a sort of social experiment. Secretly, didn't want my buddy to know I might have done this without the pay, I was excited to scout out some meetings and meet these mysterious alcoholics. Turns out Crawfordsville, IN isn't exactly ripe with AA meeting opportunities, but there was one at the church down the street from my fraternity, perfect. The experiment was pretty much a fail. The meetings were sparsely attended. I remember two people. One older guy who always seemed a bit frazzled. He had an overgrown buzzcut of gray hair and a beard to match. He wore disheveled clothing and always had a dribbled coffee stain on the front of his button down shirt. From what I remember, he chaired all the meetings I attended. He told stories of blacking out for 5-6 days at a time and waking up across multiple state lines. I didn't believe him simply because I didn't think that type of feat was possible. I'd experienced my share of blackouts already, but for days at a time? I wouldn't doubt a story of that caliber now, but it definitely takes the power of drugs and booze to achieve blackouts of that stature. Then there was the old Native American dude. He never said a single word. Most stoic character I have ever come across in my life. He just sat in a chair against the white brick wall, arms crossed.

Everyone else I remember seemed to be court mandated and cutting up the whole time. There were probably some serious people, but the meetings I made were sparsely attended. Looking back, I'm pretty sure I was attending day meetings. Didn't want to interfere with my own drinking, which of course only respectably took place at night. Knowing what I know now, of course those meetings are attended by much fewer people. Now on to the people I meet now and likely what you will meet in some variation or another.

I can say with sincerity that most of the people attending AA are quite serious about the program and a testament to its power. If you're like me, the first thing you are going to think about in an AA meeting is a bunch of old blue collar men sitting around sipping coffee from small white styrofoam cups. That's largely and accurate portrayal. The "old-timers" are ever present at all meetings. Some have been sober decades and find that AA is the way of life that keeps them that way. Alcoholism affects people regardless of economic class and status. Many people lose everything to their drinking, which you often notice includes multiple teeth and a large part of their health. Listen closely to those that have lost it all, they have wise things to say and serve as a warning to the devastation alcohol can have.

Now while on the topic of discussion, here is what to expect people to say. Some will offer sage advice based on personal experience and be relevant to the topic. Listen to these people. Some of them will astound you. Old biker looking dudes with ZZ top-esque beards offer some of the best. Some people will be in crisis mode and have nothing relevant to say, this may be you. Listen to these people if you are not one, remember you don't want to have to be like this anymore. It's just fine that they have nothing relevant to say and can only go on at great lengths about the now. They need to be heard, they may or may not be back next week. You will have the court appointed attendees. They will likely not say anything and sit with arms crossed in defiance. That's cool too. You will then get the type who just repeat every AA saying there is. Basically they are concerned with saying the "right" things and making it overly clear that they are staying sober. I'm of the opoinion all these types are probably still drinking. The excessive "I have no desire to drink, I'm taking it one day at a time" look at me I'm working the program language is obvious. Anyway, don't pay too much attention to them, other than as example of who not to be like.

My advice is say whatever comes to mind, never pass. Offer your stream of conscience on whatever is rattling through your brain. I find that at the beginning of discussion I might have some point or story I want to tell, but by the time 5 other people have talked I have so many new things to relate to that my brain is like a derailed locomotive going 150 mph. So I just start talking and it helps. I don't care how shitty you think you feel, or uninterested you might be, joining in the group is what makes it work. This designed aspect of AA is brilliant. It's a way of offering group therapy, a proven psychological technique, to drunks without telling them they are going to therapy. Plus, it's free.

AA The Beginners Guide: An inside look

I didn't want to write much about the program before I put more time in, but the gears of been spinning hard these past few weeks. So with warning I tell you I've been immersed in the AA culture for about 6 weeks. I can't necessarily give you a thorough unbiased review, but this blog is for sharing my progress as a man in recovery. I'm at a significant crossroad and it's time to write. My intention is to help all understand what an AA meeting is like. Sort out what Hollywood has gotten right and where they've steered you wrong.

I've mentioned this previously, but I was scared of walking into my first AA meeting.  Afraid of rejection, the core of all my self esteem issues. What if I wasn't accepted as a real alcoholic? What if they just saw me as some poser 29 year old kid who hasn't bottomed out enough to be a real alcoholic? Then where would I be, outcast and rejected again. The whole idea of being a poser alcoholic is insane, but that's seriously what an addict's self-esteem is like. My experience was the polar opposite. I was welcomed and embraced with warmth and enthusiasm. Instantly I shared a bond with everyone in the room, alcohol. We've all been slave to it and are seeking emancipation from it.

Every meeting starts with a reading of "How AA Works". This is followed by reading "The 12 steps and traditions of AA", a report of new and old business, a welcoming and recognition of new comers to the group, sobriety birthdays and milestones, a secretary report from the last meeting, and a few various reports that aren't crucial to the newcomer or the meeting itself. When it came the appropriate time, I introduced myself for the first time in what seemed to be proper AA form, "Hi I'm Josh. I'm an alcoholic." Just like the movies. People clapped and welcomed me to the group, told me to "keep coming back." I was given a beginners token symbolizing 24 hours of sobriety and the "take it one day at a time" message AA promotes. I've come to learn you will hear those two things a lot, "One day at at time" and "keep coming back". When they got to milestones I was proud to announce I had just surpassed 30 days of sobriety. Again more fanfare and I was presented with a red token symbolizing the achievement. Typically the group will recognize those achieving 30 and 90 days, 6 months, one year and multiples of years at each meeting.

From there expect a short reading of some sort from the AA book (affectionately called "The Big Book") or some other endeared alcoholic literature. It may also be a speaker meeting in which someone tells their story. Discussion groups are typically "closed" meetings, meaning only alcoholics should be in attendance. Leave your loved ones at home unless they are also alcoholics. There are open meetings, anyone can attend, alcoholic or not. Addicted to drugs and alcohol? That's cool, most of us have some sort of drug use issues and addictions, you're still in the right place. But the focus of AA is the alcohol addiction. If you don't have alcohol issues, there are NA (Narcotics Anonymous) groups that can serve you. My personal opinion is an addict is an addict, doesn't matter what substance, we're all the same. After the reading, the group may split up into smaller discussion groups, or stay as one. It depends on how large of an assembly it is. Most meetings are scheduled to take place within one hour and are earnest to abide by it.

Discussion works like this. Someone, usually the chair person of the meeting, starts by giving their thoughts on the days topic and how it relates to their life and sobriety as it is or was. They can say whatever the hell they want, anything goes. Typically the person leading off discussion is one who has relevant and wise things to say, listen up. The right to talk is then passed to the right or left and the next person in the circle speaks. This goes on until everyone has had a chance, or the hour runs out. It is perfectly acceptable to pass and just listen for the night. In my next post I will get a lot deeper into the discussion aspect.

I sometimes find it hard to listen until I've had my say. I have to think long and hard about words that come out of my mouth. I'm not a good off the cuff speaker, which is why I much prefer to write. Most of the time I try to share something about my personal life, past or present, and how it relates to the nights topic and my quest to stay sober. It's also a good time to express concerns or troubles. There is no cross talk during the group, meaning you only talk about your personal experiences and how you have learned or grown. Never offer direct advice to others or butt in during someones turn to talk. If you are truly in the right place, you'll inevitably find yourself head nodding in agreement as people tell their stories like they were your own. No one's demise to alcohol is unique, our stories are transcending of time and person. Only the locations and details differ.

Typically the meeting ends after everyone has had a chance to speak and then closed with the Lord's prayer. I'm not sure why the Lord's prayer. AA is supposed to be unaffiliated with any particular religion by it's founding principles. Anyway, expect to hold hands (yeah for real in a big circle) and recite the Lord's prayer. Don't worry, I didn't know it either and yes it's extremely awkward. Wait, it's not quite over. After the prayer everyone keeps holding hands and chants, "Keep coming back, it works if you work it!" To emphasize the awkwardness they swing your entwined hands up and down to the cadence of the chant. Just relax and go with it. This may be a regional thing unique to suburban Bible Belt AA groups.

Meeting over and time to mingle, put chairs away, go home. Most people will make a line for the door so they can smoke. The majority of people in AA smoke. Not all, but far more than half. Expect it. I don't have a problem with it, but I find it a relevant observation to report. I used to smoke so it stands out to me.

I've been to various meetings in my area of Indy. Every location has been a Christian church of some sort. I've looked through the directory of Indianapolis meetings and there are more than 400. Seems about half take place in a church. Many are listed as meeting in some sort of club, but I suspect if you Google the address it brings up a church. Some take place at dedicated mental health centers and others are community meeting places. Here is a link to meeting directory.

I can tell you the groups aren't officially affiliated with the church, clubs, or meeting centers. This is achieved through the group paying a nominal rent to the facility each week or month. There are no dues to be a group member, but collection baskets are passed at the start of each meeting. The meetings are self funded by attendees. Most people throw in a dollar or some change. It's a heck of a lot cheaper than a bar tab.

Here is what Hollywood got right, the setting. Expect cheap folding chairs, drab basement walls, dim fluorescent lighting, crappy coffee, store bought donuts and cookies. You are welcome to what you like. I've chosen not to partake so as not to associate meetings with junk food. Here is what Hollywood got wrong. There is no professional counselor in these group sessions. This organization is entirely amateur run. Now I don't mean to suggest a lack of expertise, wisdom, and efficiency, but that their are no licensed mental health professionals keeping the group on track and no one is getting paid. In the movies you always see some ring leader of the group who appears to be a licensed counselor of some sort. Expect to see an everyday average Joe leading the group, or better yet a biker dude who looks like he is a ZZ Top roadie. Seriously, these types are some of the most awesome people in AA and will shock you with how well spoken they are. On that note, stayed tuned for my next post: The people of AA.