An Alcoholic Running to Recovery

A little pre-amble then off to to the post. This is a difficult story for me to tell so I present you with two. One more serious, and another covering a recent snow filled run this past weekend. The run is in pictures and orange italics. The other, well that's obvious. The story is evolving, and more will be added as time goes on. This may be difficult for some of you to read. Shocking to some, particularly family and close friends, but it needs to be said and this is probably the least awkward way. I appreciate the support from you all.

First stop on my 10.6 solo trail and road run (just over 3 miles in), the "Galyan's Bear" at Eagle Creek. All you Indy folk will know this one. I never understood this giant rust covered bear. It looks exactly like the Galyan's bear (Galyan's was Indy's sporting goods store before Dick's bought them out). There are no wild bears in Indiana, except for this one. You might not be able to tell from the picture, but it's about 40 feet tall. I snapped a few pictures, downed some GU, found the trail head and off I went.

So the the year has barely begun and I can already reflect on a number of accomplishments. I didn't make any specific New Year's resolutions, but am keeping up with the trends I started at the end of last year. Most importantly I am celebrating more than a month (43 days) of sobriety and all the positive changes that have come with it. I recently celebrated my first New Year's in a decade that I can remember all of, my 29th birthday, and the end to a more than decade long abusive relationship with booze. I've long been a walking contradiction of an alcoholic and fitness wannabe. It was never that I was an everyday drinker. Didn't drink from sunup to sundown, except for on "special occasions". I've always been employed and never needed that "hair of the dog" to get my day started. So I didn't fit that stereotypical description of an alcoholic, at least not in my own mind. Yet, I had a nagging voice in the back of my conscious asking, "do you have a problem, are you an an alcoholic, just maybe?" I dismissed it, more like gagged and bound it, hid most of my drinking from people who loved me, and kept on partying.

I rationalized my drinking as normal, but I still knew that I drank differently than everyone else. Once that first drink goes in, my main focus is where's the next? My brain responds to alcohol a little differently. I get that first rush of endorphins and crave more. I have a 10 drink minimum (weeknight drinking) and easily 20 or more on a weekend night. Light weeks might be one weeknight and all weekend. Heave weeks could be almost everyday, and of late (especially after the broken foot) had become the norm. I usually disguised my number of drinks by having higher alcohol content craft brew (loved my big ass IPA's), and few very stiff cocktails in between. I could stop at a few, but it's rare and torturous as all I can think about is the next drink. All along the way I've had an off and on again affair with working out, lifting weights, doing crossfit, and a new found love for running I picked up this past fall. The trouble is I never saw the progress I really wanted. I was always battling that hangover, the lack of energy, and all those extra calories. I would fall off the workout wagon every 3 months or so and hop back on after few months of binge drinking harder than normal.

Second picture along the way. I wasn't sure if the trail I was following was ever going to cross this creek so I made my own crossing and gingerly hopped on this snow and ice crusted log. It was an adventure run of sorts anyway. I've never covered this distance on my own. Running in groups is awesome, but I also love running on my own. Right now I prefer to run without music. The calming cadence of my feet and the sounds of nature are all the music I need.

So why the change, why now? I was lucky enough to find my way to a substance abuse recovery class (that journey is another story that I'm not ready to publicly share). I didn't necessarily want the help, but I wasn't entirely opposed to it either.  With caution I proceeded, with hesitancy I approached. Basically what I found is that I was forced to unbound that nagging voice that had long been in the back of my mind; to face who I really was and examine my relationship with alcohol. There have been moments where if I had the courage, I would have changed long ago. But now, for the first time ever, I really want to be sober. I'm enjoying it immensely. I've learned and am learning lots about myself. It's hard at times, like when I'm not in the best of moods. Normally I would fix that right up with a drink, but now I have to deal with myself. The good news is I like myself, my sober self anyway. I've made a lot of bad decisions in my day under the influence and driven by the desire to use when sober. I've been neglectful and selfish at times. I've made a fool of myself far too many times, put others at risk, and most importantly to acknowledge, I've hurt people that I love very deeply. One relationship in particular where the choices I made is the biggest regret of my life.

This is the old road that runs down the west side of Eagle Creek after a fresh snowfall. Someone and their dog beat me to being the first ones on it that day, but I had it all to myself. Running has been a great way for me to get to know myself and what I am capable of.

In the past 43 days I've accomplished more in this budding amateur running career of mine than the past 4 months combined. So far this month I've logged more than 90 miles. I ran my first 13.1 (A Personal Best). Made a solo run to and from my favorite trails (something I dreamed of when I first started running). I signed up for and am running my first half marathon race next weekend (a report will be written) and am announcing signing up for my first full marathon. I will be running the Potato Creek Half/Full/Ultra in northern Indiana on April 28th with some new running friends. I have almost completed my substance abuse recovery classes. I've attended my fist ever AA meeting and am forging relationships with other people in recovery.

This is my favorite view in Eagle Creek. I posted a picture from this same view in the fall and have been waiting for a snowy day to get a winter shot. So in all I covered 10.6 miles in 1:53. I was even able to crank out the last 4 miles of road at a sub 9 minute/mile pace. It's my favorite run yet, I loved every step of snow covered sidewalk, street, and trail.

Now that I have some written reflection, I do have some goals for the coming year. I plan to keep developing new friendships in the running community and developing the ones that have started, discovering who I am, pushing my physical limits, and enjoying life not worrying about that next drink. I will run my first marathon and maybe even greater distance. I will spend more quality time with my kids and family. Maybe I will even find the six pack I have always really wanted. 

My name is Josh and I'm an alcoholic, running to recovery!