Crewing for Recovery

"Good judgement comes from experience. Experience comes from bad judgment." Mark Twain

(I haven't checked the accuracy of this quote, but it sounds Mark Twainy to me and deeply resonates.)

As I move forward with my life and my newfound identity (you know, embracing myself as an alcoholic and a runner, a person in recovery, a man with hope developing a plan) I'm finding all kinds of parallels to recovery and running. It's safe to say we all have that voice; the one who tells you that you can't or you're not good enough. The task at hand is simply too hard and beyond your capability. All of you runners, or anyone who has even attempted any endurance activity at all, knows this voice well. It's the one that tries to keep you inside on a day with bad weather. It's the one that pops up in the first 3 miles of a long run and says you just don't have it in you today, or you can turn around now and still say you did something today, nothing to be ashamed of. Well those of us in recovery, anyone trying to kick any bad habit, have the same voice trying to poison us with the same message; "You can't do this!"

Right now I'm happy, ecstatic, in tune, motivated, hopeful, and downright excited about being sober. Don't get me wrong, I still have the urge to drink, it's early in this new life. But I have confidence. I also know myself well, and some of this excitement is bound to wear off. I know there are going to be some darker days ahead, life works that way. The excitement and the newness will wane, and that voice might come knocking. So what do I do?

Well, I've been listening to some really great podcasts from the guys and gals of Trail Runner Nation about ultra running. I have plans to conquer distances greater than the almighty 26.2. But steps, the 26.2 is getting checked off first and I'm pumped for April 28th when I run the Potato Creek Full Trail Marathon. In one of the shows they were interviewing some seasoned 100 mile ultra runners and talking about the emotional spectrum that comes with running such awesome distances. There are extreme highs, and extreme lows. Nobody that runs 100 miles zips along without thinking at some point that it's just not possible and they should drop out. From what I understand the lows are very very very low. After 50-70 miles your body and mind are stripped of everything, you don't know how to respond and are often looking to those around you to figure out how you should feel. 

It's kind of like this. Think about how when a toddler runs into a table and hits his head and has that initial moment of shock. The tot then looks around befuddled to his parents and is trying to figure out how to respond. If the parent immediately goes "Oh my God, are you ok, you poor baby" the kid is sure to cry every time. That's how the parent has told him to feel. If the parent laughs or benignly neglects the incident (in good nature and keeping an eye out to make sure it's not serious) and isn't shocked, the tot will laugh it off or just keep on trucking. It's a lot like that in these moments of running. Ultra runners need a team around them that give them that positive feedback, tell them how to feel in a supportive way. Embrace the pain and keep kicking ass. The point is that you have to train for these moments, you have to be prepared that at some point you are going to feel like a truck and trailer ran you over.

It's also like that in recovery. I know I feel great now, and I'm going to for a while. How long? I can't say. But eventually, it's going to ware off a bit, the motivation is going to wane, bumps in the road will come and bad things will happen. When they do, I'm going to have the old habit wanting to come around. That little voice is going to say "This is too hard, you can't do it, just drink this once, it's ok." Eventually, the truck is going to hit me and I have to be prepared. So I'm keeping this blog, setting goals that I can't achieve if I am drinking, and surrounding myself with positive support and people who understand.  I don't envision myself becoming a broken shell of a man sitting in a crappy basement room of a small church attending AA meetings angry and jaded for the rest of my life. I'm just being real and acknowledging there will be points when using is going to seem much more appealing than it does right now and I need to be ready for it. My success depends on preparation.

Ultra runners have a "crew" for big events. People that run with them through portions of the race, set up at aid stations and make sure they get what they need, and give them the positivity and encouragement one needs to conquer 100 miles. So thank you to everyone who is jumping on my crew. I need you and am going to need you more one day. Every word of support is more valuable than you know. Thanks for being on my crew everyone!

Photo courtesy new friend and crew member Ben L. over at Hoosier Trail Runner